The harsh rain that splashes against my window pane right now conjures up brief images of the tea we shared huddled under the blanket on a wintry rainy night. Oh, how I wish I could go back to that moment, that particular moment and gently whisper in your ears ‘I love you.’ But like all good things in my life, that is in the past. As I sit near the rain tonight, all I can think of is you. I know you are happy, and I would be lying if I say that the knowledge of this makes me happy. No, tonight I am not happy. I am not even sad. I feel I am in a trance-like situation where the slightest jerk would wake me up into reality.
There is a dog barking under the tree in my garden, I do not know from where he came. Maybe he also misses someone, or perhaps he is just angry. I thought for a while that I should be angry, that I should shout at someone, at something. But then, what would be the use? You are so far away now that my voice will have lost all meaning until it reaches you. Do you even remember my voice? Even I do not recognize it most days. The torrent of the rain now has diminished its effectiveness even more. All I hear are the drops of water, some on the window pane and some on my face, silent but cold.
A sliver of light runs across the skies, as the thunder strikes me where it hurts the most. Is it raining where you live? Is it even night there? Does the rain still evoke memories of me? I am afraid even to wonder what you might answer. I have felt pain before, my heart has mended numerous times, and jealousy had been a constant companion. So, you should be surprised why after all this time I still feel the pain, I still long for your touch and I still want to hear your voice. I know the answer. Do you believe in the things that they say in the movies, about having your soulmate? I didn’t, until I met you. I didn’t even think I had a soul, until I found the absolute joy of having you around. Is that too much to say now? I wish I had said all these when we were happy under the blanket so many years ago, drinking our tea pretending that we were alone in time, in love and happy.
Are you still mine? Is that even the right question to ask? I think I know the right one – were you ever mine? Even for a second, or a fleeting glimpse, or the beat of your heart? I dare not think of the answer. I think, I should drift back to sleep. I loved you, like I love you now.