21st May, 2006

I don’t hate you Shekhar. I despise you and my hands are not trembling right now to write this.

I was never a diary person, but you are the reason that has turned me into this depressed writer where all that I have written is full of pain and sorrow. Love really drives us crazy and makes us do all that shitty stuff we never ever dream of. Why Shekhar? Am I so bad? What is my fault? That I love you so much?

No! I guess my fault is that I is a Fatso, like my best friend and now your current girlfriend calls me. Just because I am not pretty, I don’t have curves, I didn’t wear tight and revealing clothes, doesn’t mean I don’t have a heart. What did I want? Just some love and respect, but it seems it was too much to ask for.

Everybody told me to stay away from you. ‘He will just use you and trash you,’ they would warn me. I failed to listen. Because somewhere I thought you won’t be that guy who would judge a girl by her boobs or ass. But hey, congratulations, you proved me so wrong. No wonder why girls get raped today because of jerks like you.

I curse the day I fell for you. Today when I ask myself, Did he ever try to talk to you? Did he ever show some interest? Did he ever say anything that would make you feel nice? All I get is a no. This is me, Shekhar – a bag full of NO’s!

If you will read this diary from the start, you will know all that I did for you. I’m not re-counting it, as I don’t want to lessen its worth. I just regret it as I was just a gateway to accomplish your beauty queen, Jia.

Sometimes I wonder, if all guys dream of pretty, sexy and good looking girls, then where will the average ones go? Everyone wants adorable eyes, a nice figure, an alluring personality, smartness to the fullest. Why the hell does no one want a loving and a caring heart?

I feel like I was a punching bag for you. You have just given me scars and unfortunately I never complained. Just suffered! So what I’m fat? So what I wear loose clothes and don’t act classy. So what I can’t talk cheesy and vulgar stuff like you? You have pushed me into the water and have drowned me in my own eyes. Today, when I stand in front of a mirror, I hate the sight of myself.

My tears have soaked this last page and they won’t stop today. If you ever read this Shekhar, remember I will be somewhere around you, watching the very sight of you filled with guilt and crying. You will scream my name, but I will never come back. You will also regret the way I did and die alone like me.

You met me here. Don’t meet me up there.

I’m tired now. Tired!


Headlines: The Times Of India: ‘A 19 year old girl commits suicide in broad daylight!’